When the idea for this blog first formulated in my mind, I was overwhelmed with potential topics and messages to share with my readers. Unfortunately, through the process of actually creating my blog and website, I lost a lot of my passion towards the blog itself as I was simply exhausted from site building.
Despite having a few topics in mind, I knew I needed a solid start. But how should I officially begin such a project? Well, it's 2:30AM and the obvious finally hit me.
I should share my beliefs.
I was born and raised Catholic, and every Sunday in church, we'd say the Nicene Creed, "I believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, the Maker of heaven and earth..."
And although the idea of condensing my own personal ideas into a creed sounds appealing, I think I might have a much longer story to tell...
All of my early beliefs were strictly Christian. Which has been both a positive and negative influence in my life. I feel incredibly fortunate that I was born into a family where I was able to learn about God, angels, heaven, prayer, etc from such an early age. And despite some of the more strict teachings of my church, I've always had the guidance of my mother who understood the importance of love in the Christian faith.
When I was about 17, I remember my dad telling me "Never believe in something 100%. It means you're not thinking for yourself." That might have been a little lost on me at the time, but its something I definitely agree with today. It's also something he might have been worried about a year later, when I felt compelled to preach to him about the afterlife. You see, I was deeply concerned that he wouldn't make it to heaven.
About that. For a brief time during my senior year in high school, I got more heavily involved in my Christian faith. A close friend of mine had started going to a non-denominational church and hosting Bible studies, and I tagged along for the ride. It ended up being a very pivotal time for me. I learned how to really trust God and discovered that incredible things really do happen if you completely hand over your life to Jesus. I also became very sensitive to the energy around me, and could often feel if I was in a negative location or near negative people.
However, this all came with some very strict beliefs. I remember crying because my mother would not agree with me that the Jews in the Holocaust didn't make it to heaven. (Since I firmly believed only Christians were saved. Hence my aforementioned conversation with my father.) I also recall looking up Christian science and learning things like how the dinosaurs were on the ark. It's hard to imagine I once believed that, but at the time I was being taught the concept of Biblical inerrocy. So it was what it was.
Eventually the people that I was going to church with separated themselves from me and my other friends (claiming that demons were following us) and the ending of the friendship left me with a bad grudge towards them and many Christians for quite some time. I slowly fell away from my strict beliefs and resided once again in Catholicism, as it was safe and familiar. I also appreciated the structure of the church. I might not have agreed with everything it preached, but the beliefs were universal to all Catholic churches. Knowing what to expect was a blessing compared to the "on-a-whim" church leadership I had recently encountered.
I ended up feeling very lost through much of my community college years. I had studied the errors of Bible translations, and I firmly believed in science and evolution. I think I reached the place where many people just stop believing entirely. But atheism was never an option for me. I had witnessed unexplainable things and literally felt the presence of God through my Christian experiences, so I knew I would never just stop believing one day. However, since my beliefs lined up so poorly with what I was often being told, it was very hard to have the level of faith I needed to feel at home in my religion.
What I did instead was start creating my own system of beliefs. I knew that I got a specific "feeling" when something was true. A sort of excited enthusiasm backed by unmoving faith. Many times while driving to school, I would ask myself questions about my beliefs and formulate answers until I reached my own personal "ah ha!" moment. To be cliche, this was how I discovered that "love is the answer". I realized that the feeling of love was too powerful to just exist and disappear at death. In my times of weakness, that was all I really had to hang on to. The idea that love goes on, so we must as well.
I also came to realize that I could never accept the idea of good people going to hell based on their lack of faith alone. I thought to myself "If I would have mercy for these people, then God must as well. God can't be LESS merciful than me, after all."
As for the Bible, I began recognizing the Old Testament as a really great guideline for life... if you're living in a B.C. theocracy that needs to find a way to control and motivate dysfunctional society. (Granted, I didn't discredit the whole thing, as there's a lot of good old wisdom in there as well.)
As for the New Testament, I became strongly dedicated to the Gospels. I decided that if I was going to believe in any part of the Bible, it would be Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. The teachings of Jesus lined up with almost everything I believed.
And so I continued to search my own personal beliefs, but school and my personal life were big distractions. My faith became something I didn’t think about much anymore, and the “mystical” side of things became even harder to acknowledge. Despite my new personal discoveries, I didn’t believe much in the power of prayer or God’s ability to intervene in our lives.
For a period of time, I became quite the realist.
However, three years after high school, I got a job at a local gas station and everything changed.
To be continued... ;)
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